Even if you normally regard yourself as a ’strong’ person, it is natural in these circumstances to turn to your wife or partner or a member of your family for extra support. At heart you will want to remain in control as much as possible, but you are unlikely to want to handle all the practical details of, say, hospital appointments and your treatment single-handed. You may look to, for example, your wife to be strong and capable in communicating with your hospital and doctors. Initially, this can present difficulties on two counts. First, it can be hard to accept that you want to opt out of a degree of control of your situation. Second, it may be that the person from whom you are seeking that support finds it difficult to give because they are also profoundly affected by your diagnosis. They too may want to be strong for you, but simply feel incapable of taking charge in the very early days. Tensions can result from the resulting sense of helplessness you might feel at first, but do allow yourselves time to absorb what has happened before trying to adapt your lives to include your cancer treatment.
Frustration can also arise from your own wish to be physically strong, while knowing that this is not possible all the time. This can be hard for your family and friends too – you may feel that people are walking on eggshells around you, trying not to offend you by treating you as an invalid while at the same time making sure you have all the support you need. It is a difficult balance to strike, and there will inevitably be times when you or other people make the wrong judgement. There will be moments when you will feel like shouting, ‘Why doesn’t someone help me?’ or at the other end of the scale, ‘I really don’t need your help with this.’ Similarly, those around you will be wondering whether an offer of help will be welcomed or considered an insult. The only way to find out is to keep all the lines of communication open and to be as flexible as you can. It will take time to reach the right balance – and just to make matters more complicated, the balance may change, from day to day or week to week or gradually over time.
It will be tough for your close family to adjust too, however supportive they are. While they will be doing their utmost to help you practically and emotionally, those who are closest to you will also be going through a period of shock and fear for the future. If you have previously taken pride in your emotional strength and ability to support others, remaining calm and strong at times of crisis, you may feel that it is incumbent upon you to do so now. And yet you may feel unable to, and need to draw on the support of others. Your family will not look to you to be the ’strong’ party, but it can be difficult to shake off old habits. This can lead to a sense of emotional confusion for all concerned, and you will all need to allow time for relationships to reach a new balance.
This will have different effects for different people, some practical and some emotional. For example, there may be certain tasks which you have always carried out but which you are not capable of at the moment. Handing over responsibility for these can feel like a failure on your part, and might initially cause some upheaval as your family or friends adjust their own routines to accommodate you. It is sometimes more difficult to be the recipient than the giver of help, and you may find it hard to sit on the sidelines and take a less active role, especially if people don’t do things ‘your’ way.
After my first four-week stay in hospital, it was wonderful to be home but difficult at first to accept that I had had no part in tying up the loose ends following the sale of our business nor in dealing with any domestic matters which had cropped up. Helen had been keeping me up to date with what was happening, but had obviously had to take complete control, make decisions and deal with things on a day-to-day basis herself. I would probably have done things no differently, but needed to quibble at times just to feel that I still had an opinion which mattered! My parents too had been very supportive in helping us sort out practical issues at home, and I’m sure I was less than gracious at times in accepting their help simply because it was so hard to accept that we needed it. I desperately needed to feel part of all that was going on around me and to assert my independence in some way – it was as if after being in a relatively helpless state as a ‘patient’ for so long, I needed to regain my status as a functioning human being with a brain.
It is not easy to be a spectator while other people continue with their lives, and this can emphasize your situation painfully. Allow time and keep talking – relationships do reach a new state of equilibrium.
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